For instance, we looked at a lot of houses to buy.

One possibility of many.

I’m talking… a LOT of freaking houses.  Too many.  Sometimes I flinch when I hear the words “house” or “mortgage”.  Some weren’t in great shape.

eek!

We dressed our dog in funny outfits…

Chief Meister VIII

And took him on his first plane ride.

family trip

We visited my first friend to have a baby.

I obviously have no idea what I'm doing.

And took the Captain to a famous place…

name that place!

And put more funny things on our dog.

my little trooper

I fell off my chair in front of a crowded restaurant.

which we both thought was hilarious, of course.

We got a tent and camped in the backyard in the Spring, when we didn’t have time to leave town but wanted to get outside.

haha! our landlord thought we were fighting and that I sent the Captain to stay in the tent. So funny!

We also finally made it up the mountains nearby and found a rockin’ campsite with no one around!!

real couples camp

The Chief came too… sort of.

"I didn't sign up for this sh*t!"

But the Chief doesn’t mind hiking as much so we did that too.

getting our hike on

After months of talking about it, we finally designed and built a chicken coop.  It was a three day obsession, where we couldn’t work on anything else until it was finished.  (Don’t tell my advisor.) 

get 'er done!

And some chickens to go with it…

only one turned out to lay, but hey!

Which most certainly DID come before the egg. 

the riddle, solved.

We hosted a dinner party.  Or two.  Or three.

A community dinner party

We finally made it to the zoo.

my mini safari

And we had friends of mine visit (for the first time in 2 years!).

a night out

We celebrated my 28th birthday.

local tapas restaurant

Twice.

my favorite dive bar shows movies on the back wall

We had fun.

maybe a little too much fun

And finally, the rapture came.  The dog and I were good.  Not sure what to say about the Captain, though. 

Saved!!

Hasta luego!

And I wouldn’t lose a single pound.

I’ve read about all kinds of diets.  I’ve tried a few, like the raw food diet, which wasn’t for me.  At least, not in the form I was having it.  (I do think that eating whole foods and consuming lots of raw foods is a great way to go though.  I just don’t happen to have anything against fire-cooked foods.)  I’ve laughed at kitschy names like the one where you’re supposed to eat like our ancient ancestors.  Ha!  I’d *love* to see people digging up and eating tubers.  I personally would last about a day on that one.  Or, the lemonade diet where you drink nothing but lemonade and cayenne pepper for days.  Gross.

Fortunately, I’ve been blessed with a background in research methods that allows me to evaluate evidence critically.  And as I’ve accumulated information over the years about the body and nutrition, I’ve come to develop a clear(-er) picture of how metabolism works.  For one, it isn’t simple.  For two, the whole calories in, calories out model has a lot more complexity to it than one might think.

After reading article after article about the so-called “low carb diet”, I decided to take a closer look.  This particular diet would never have registered on my radar because 65% of my diet was carbohydrates (yes, I know because I kept a food log).  There is no doubt that I love carbs.  Rice, bread, potatoes.  Sugar, oh sugar.  Pasta, hello?

But I was trying small group personal training classes, boot camps, and exercising on my own and nothing happened.  Nothing.  That little bastard of a scale needle didn’t budge even a millimeter.  I was reaching a point of desperation here folks.  There is nothing worse than putting tons of work into something that yields zero results.  Motivation wanes.  Aggravation sets in.  And then you give up and eat red velvet frozen yogurt topped with Reese’s pieces because, what the hell!  It doesn’t make a difference anyway.

(Can you tell I’ve been here before?)

I read a little bit of background.  The Atkins diet was never for me.  The idea of eating nothing but meat and cheese was a little too unsettling for me.  But there was a modified Atkins that incorporates a lot of vegetables, so I read up on that one.  What I read on the net was compelling, so I ordered the book.  It is written by a cardiologist, which was abnormal as far as diet manuals go, but I gave it a shot.

10 lbs and 3 weeks later, I’m glad I did.

The entire first half of the book is dedicated to explaining historical background of dieting, and how and why this particular diet will work.  I’m sure many diet books are like this.  I happen to be lucky in that I was reading one that led to measurable results.

I don’t want to spoil it for you if you want to read the book, but I’ll give you the basics.  It started out describing the study that identified cholesterol as a correlate of heart disease.  The medical community therefore concluded (reasonably, at the time) that decreasing cholesterol means decreasing heart disease.  A paradigm was formed.  A statement was put out describing an ideal diet to lose weight and decrease cholesterol levels that encouraged eating low fat foods.

Except no one lost weight.  All of these people, religiously following low fat (and disgustingly bland, I assure you) diets, and they would not lose weight, or even possibly gain weight.  Everyone sat around scratching their heads until this particular cardiologist developed an alternative solution.  No white sugar, and no white flour.  Basically, few or no processed foods.

Just Say No!

Here’s why: when you eat highly processed foods, all of the good stuff has been essentially processed out.  The fiber, for example, that slows down digestion (as compared to white flour, which is very quickly digested).  Because your body can process white sugar and white flour so quickly, it responds by producing a lot of insulin–too much–in order to take on the task of digesting those foods.  The problem here is two-fold.  First, your body overshoots the mark and produces too much insulin.  This means that it does a great job of digesting those processed foods, but then brings your blood sugar down below where it needs to be, leaving you feeling hungry again.  You end up eating more.  You gain weight.  Second, instead of burning fat, your body is trying to metabolize all of that extra insulin and all of those high energy carbs (which are surely more than your body actually needs).  So you eat more, and burn less fat.

That means that those low fat foods that were supposed to be good for you are working against you.  This is because in order to produce a “low fat” food, what ends up substituting for those fats is carbs.  More and more carbs.  People are suffering through disgusting, purportedly healthy foods (because really, low fat ingredients are almost always gross), and working out like maniacs.  It’s like they’re running and running just to stay in the same place.

At least, that is my experience.

So, at the peak of my desperation, I made a change.  A BIG change.  None of my delicious treats were acceptable anymore.  No more rice with dinner.  No more pesto pasta (and I make a mean pesto sauce).  No more red velvet frozen yogurt with Reese’s toppings.  Waaaaah!

As it turns out, this transition has been easier than I thought.  With a little planning, it’s a piece of cake.  That, in combination with my new practice of bulk cooking and freezing, has made this type of lifestyle change a viable option for me.

Because that’s what this is.  A lifestyle change.  Not a diet.  Not temporary.

I mean… what kind of “diet” lets you eat two flying dutchmen from In-N-Out once a week?  I eat a fudgesicle every. single. day. (and sometimes twice in a day!).  I snack on cheese and nuts.  I am to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks.  I can have bacon, sausage, and eggs.  Or quiche.  I can make noodle-less lasagna and freeze it.  I do not exercise.

Let me repeat: I. Do. Not. Exercise.

And I lose anywhere between 1 and 4 lbs per week.

It is the most glorious and the most understated diet I have ever had the pleasure of learning about.  I am just 5 lbs shy of my preferred weight.  I will stay on what is called “phase 1″ (the strictest phase) until I am there.  I am hoping that will be in about a week and a half when I leave for Hawaii.    I won’t be upset if I don’t make it because I can just continue on sailing through.

This diet is literally designed so that people can be successful on it and stick with it.  Phase 1 is actually supposed to last only two weeks.  You can stay on it if you want to lose weight faster (and I’m on a schedule here, people… Hawaii is only 11 days away!).  I started right after my birthday (at the start of May) and just about 3 weeks later the scale has gone down by 10 pounds.  Ten magnificent pounds.

The End Goal, the Motivator

Today, I got my first “have you been losing weight?” from a friend.

I beamed.

(Here is a backup link, just in case the other one doesn´t work)

But this is all beside the point.  The point is, I miss blogging.  I miss creative writing and reading others´creative writing.  The downside to being incredibly productive is that my limited resources are even more strained for creative pursuits.  If I had a day or two to spend, I´d get my mitts on a copy of Adobe Creative Suite and redesign my blog, and write posts with cool edited photos.  I keep looking at it longingly, but it´s just not in the budget quite yet.  But like Wayne from Wayne´s World says with determined resolve, “It will be mine”.

So, here I am hoping that this effort to get back into the swing of things will amount to more than the sputtering attempts that have characterized this year of blogging in general.  Such a shame too, what with all the personal growth.  :P  And don´t forget that Team Awesome Squared is also going strong, despite having rode some waves this year.  I don´t want to jinx anything, but by the look of it, there should be smooth sailing into year two of our amour.

(Crap, old habits die hard… knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood…)

Still, even now I am skulking away from my long list of things to do to and my instructional duties to “get a quick fix”, as it were.  It´s not enough though.  I want to tell you how to build a chicken coop!  I want to show you our garden and tell you funny stories about my dog.  I want to divulge every last juicy detail of our latest challenge as TeamAwesome (I´ll give you a hint, it starts with an “E” and ends in an “M”, and I don´t mean the word).  Finally, I want to rejoice with you about finally finding a method to lose weight that works, AND is healthy, because those months of exercise didn´t do a damn thing.  It includes dessert.  Need I say more?

So, it is with regret that I temporarily sign off and high hopes of getting back soon.  Let´s get back to business.

It doesn’t hurt that I received no fewer than three invitations to hang out on Friday.  Woot!  I have arrived.

[finally.]

Yes, you heard it here first.

I now prefer sunrises over sunsets.

And thankfully, I am seeing them after a solid night of sleep rather than at the end of a very long night.  It brings new appreciation, that’s for sure.

Sunsets are beautiful too, especially in this flat desert landscape.  But I feel a tinge of disappointment when the sun disappears over a ridge or below the horizon.  I will have to wait a whole 12 hours to see her again.

Sunrises, on the other hand, may not bedazzle the sky with neon streaks.  But the soft reflection of her rays on an evergreen is priceless, as it glows a soft orange, lit by the onset of a new day.  With the sunrise, the whole day is ahead of you, full of promise and excitement.

This has all been made possible after I *finally* beat my insomnia.  After twenty-some years of trying, I AM the early bird, people.  And I DO get the worm.

The stuff I am most excited to report on include the partial fulfillment of my semi-secret (but not so secret now that it’s on the web) fantasy to homestead.  Yes, folks, I admit it: I want to hunker down and spend my days growing my own food, learning to cook delicious home meals, getting crafty, and all that other domestic-ky (emphasis on the ICKY) stuff I would have retched at in the not so distant past.  That’s not in the cards just yet, so in the meantime I’ll just live a double life as a geeky, scientist, career woman with a side job as Susie homemaker.

(Minus the cleaning part.)

(Aaaand most of the cooking too.)  o.O

So, in the interest of this lofty goal, we’ve been making major changes.  We’ve got three seeding trays full outside, two with vegetables and herbs and one with flowers for a butterfly garden (!).  There are anywhere from 10-15 zucchini (two kinds) growing both in the ground and in pots.  Four different kinds of tomato plants, chard, parsley, cilantro, rosemary, lettuce, and basil.  We have a succulent garden and butterfly-attracting flowers.  Today, we just got 1,000 worms in the mail for composting.  The crown achievement, though, is the chicken coop we spent three days building (and which I will post about later), that now houses three adult hens and two “teens”.

And a partridge and a pear tree, right?

Our home, aptly named the Animal Farm, is bursting with life.  Next on the list is a goat.

(I kid, I kid!)

…ehhh…

/bad puns

It always seems to be that those times where I kind of retract back into myself provide the fodder for me to grow and develop as a person, and coming out the other side has always been brighter than how it was before.  This time has been no exception.  I’ve been more active, developed new hobbies, am more productive, and perhaps most importantly, have a better sense of balance in life.

I think that some of that comes from learning out to let go of things.  Of not getting attached to a certain outcome.  Without this skill, my life is full of tensions and anxieties.  With it, I’m more apt to handle the situation at hand.  Ride with the ebb and flow of life, if you will.  It comes hand in hand with self compassion, and with observing without judgment.  Sometimes I wish I had figured this out sooner, or at least, I would have applied it in my life sooner… but then I have to let go of that also and accept that I have now and that’s okay too.

The Captain has definitely helped with that, mostly because we come from two completely polar opposite points of view.  His, of course, is totally alien and irrational, and mine is normal and rational… buuuut I think I might have a thing or two to learn from him.    Basically, he comes from a place where there aren’t really consequences, and he minimizes stress.  I guess you could say he takes the “go with the flow thing” to the maximum.  Most of the time, this drives me insane.  But that other 2% of the time, I think there might be something to it.  And as a result of my exposure to it, I have learned to chill. the. *bleep*. out.

Unfortunately I can’t say that my meticulous planning and preparation has rubbed off on him too much, but we’re workin’ on it.  Or at least, I am.  (:: insert evil villain laugh ::)

In about mid-October, I started to feel the downswing start to take hold.  It could be attributed to a number of things: the Captain and I going through growing pains in our relationship, our decision to look for a house to buy (which distracted me from my responsibilities quite conveniently), some bad news about a project I invested two years in, the fact that I was burned out after 10 solid months of non-stop work, or the fact that I was so over-committed for that 10 months that by definition I had to fail (a lot) and I’m not so good at failing.

These periods occur on occasion, and usually last less than a week.  I found that the best way to deal with a complete absence of concentration is to just self-indulge for a couple of days, chill out, and watch some Netflix.  After these brief hiatuses, I usually find a burst of energy and feel prepared to handle business again.

This time was different.

It last three months.  THREE MONTHS.  I lost interest in everything.  I did just enough work to get by and that was it.  I stayed home, in my pajamas, missed meetings and appointments, procrastinated on *everything*, and didn’t socialize.  I hadn’t had a haircut in months.  I invested minimal time into upkeep and appearance.  I was frumpy.  I did watch a lot of Netflix, though, which was nice.  But I started smoking again, in line with needing to be more self-indulgent and impulsive.  I was apathetic and reclusive.  The poor Captain didn’t know what to do with me, but he was supportive the entire time.

By the beginning of December, I was already starting to worry.  It doesn’t usually last this long.  Where was my energy, my pizazz?  Where was the feeling of excitement about life that I usually experience on a day-to-day basis?

We decided to get a dog at the end of November, and I thought that would help.  I would get out of the house more.  Have companionship and feel less lonely in this dusty town.  Enjoy researching dog ownership, and training and playing with the dog.  It did help a little bit, but we really couldn’t take him out of the house for a month or two until he had all of his shots.

By January, nothing had changed.  I decided something must be done.

I went on a journey of self-exploration.  I thought about the times I had experienced this before and the behaviors that had helped me get out of it.  (I’m a behaviorist, and it’s all about the behavior.)  I needed a spark to start the engine.  Just something small to get the ball rolling and then maybe the momentum would pick up.

I decided to paint my toes pink.  Bright pink.

It seems like a trivial thing to do.  It was a small step, a tiny coup d’etat on my part to snap myself out of it.  I had done this once before when things were really bad, along with purchasing a toothbrush holder with monkeys on it that made me smile when I looked at it.  For some reason, seeing bright pink nail polish on my toes makes me feel a little cheerful.  A bit more energetic.  A little more attractive.

Then I started throwing a little color into my wardrobe.  I’d wear a bright yellow sweater with a colorful scarf.  I don’t know why, but it helped.  I looked into small group personal training classes at the Rec Center to help scoop me out of the rut I was in physically (that is, a complete absence of physical activity) and to get my body moving.  I signed up for one.  I met a friend for coffee here, reached out to another one there.  I started making social plans.  I cleaned out my e-mail inbox (which can be a surprisingly large burden), and responded to old emails (but not all of them!).  I took very very tiny steps in accomplishing school goals.  I figured any progress would be good progress, and the reward of completing something might jump start my mood.  I finally got a frickin’ haircut.

The Captain and I talked.  And talked.  And talked.  We were experiencing some tremors in our relationship and were struggling through them.  It was painful and sad.  Though there was never a thought to end the relationship, it was still hard to be trying to reach connection and missing the mark.  We rode through the waves (and there were several) though, and we’ve come out of it stronger than ever (it is striking, actually, but this is a story for another post).

Now I’m mostly recovered.  I am prioritizing not over-committing myself, being kinder to myself, and enjoying life more.  I am making bigger strides in school, like completing my dissertation proposal, preparing forms for starting new projects (that have been sitting for months), conducting year old data analyses, and meeting my obligations (well, most of them).  My sleep has been back on track (until this week, anyway), and I’ve turned off Netflix and have been getting out of the house.  I started taking care of my appearance, including being more active as well as superficial things, like taking care of my hair and nails, wearing something more becoming than sweats, and using better hygiene.  Even though I love doing it, I’m thinking about quitting smoking again next month.  I meet with friends for coffee breaks, lunches, and nights out.  I spend more time connecting with the Captain.

Slowly, but surely, I rolled the boulder and chain weighing me down out of the trench I was in.  Life feels good again, and I’m excited about how the next few months will unfold (will we get a house?  how will my dissertation feasibility study work out?  will I be able to present my research in Europe and travel over the summer?).

Listening to this song didn’t hurt either (fyi: has some profanity):